“I wish I could talk and tell you that I love you, and that I do not want to kill you.”

OK.

This is what you do. Get down on your knees to the roaches level, and in a calm pleasant voice say it. I love you Mr cockroach, please believe me when I say I would never harm you in any way. You may have to repeat this several times while slowly dropping little chucks of old cheese. Make sure it’s the kind with the lovely blue and orange velvet growth attached, and smells like pure death.

Be patient, and within a few minutes you will have a whole herd of your nasty little friends coming out of nowhere to feast on cheese and bask in your radiant love.

Then, when you have what you would consider a capacity crowd for the area you are working with, you give them a giant group hug.

One of those big short handled flat scoop shovels works best for me.